not a h8er..

I've decided to stop doing JUST posts I hate... I really do hate a lot of things but there are certain things in life that I do enjoy and I would like to share them with you. Or I can actually use this damned ass blog to say things I wouldn't usually ever admit to myself or say.. I am a person with so many thoughts...I think a lot and I never know how to convey what I really want to say. I am.. what is called.. a 'mumbler'.  I mumble because my thoughts aren't clear.. I try to come off as confident but alas I end up face first in the dirt.  I have a lame nervous laugh too.. heh ehh huhh huhh hee. My mother has told me multiple times to stop doing 'pity laughs'...I think its just because nobody is ever funny anymore. How many times do I have to hear jokes that has come out of a movie or a Youtube video? (I do like the dramatic beaver video...a lot..) Personally, I enjoy the dead baby jokes. They get me every time. I don't know why because they fit in the category as unoriginal, grotesque, and pretty crude..and now I've realized that every single adjective I just used.. most people would use those words to describe me. Oh crap.
I came back from Lasallian Student Leaders camp in Moraga, CA a couple days ago. I realized how I enjoyed it more last year.. it was so good to come back home to familiarity and my own bed. Everyone there has such a 'go-getter' attitude. I strive to fit in. I didn't have the right attitude coming in and that means I won't have the right attitude coming out of it. I just put on my paper bag and sit quietly. I sit quietly with a mind filled with thoughts... mostly crude thoughts, don't you little ones worry! (hee hee)
I used to be different. I used to be really good at making new friends and conversating. (This isnt a word.. I'm aware. Thanks) I've become more quiet and quiet as the days grow longer. My friends start to disperse, grow, and start to figure out what they want in life.. I am still left behind and don't know what the fuck I want.
What friends you ask? (I'm not offended) Yes yes.. Jesi (ME) has friends. I just wish I could connect with more people on a deeper level..I hate feeling like I'm the only one doing the work. Everyone else around me has everyone they need.. This is why I cherish the friends that I do have.. and do give me attention (that I goddamn do deserve... right??!?!?) Wah wah wah


Gee, now I'm probably going to loose many viewers for writing stuff that doesn't pertain to being a huge bitch.

And now you are all nodding your heads...

;)

Til next time.. h8 you l8er